Okay, now it’s time for a list for the girls! I’m gonna tell it like it is, just like I did to the boys.
This one kicked off the list for the guys, and my male friend came back fervently demanding I tell women the same. He says to take the amount you talk… and cut that in half.
Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.
This one is especially important if you are in a relationship. I haven’t mastered it yet or anything, but I do know one thing: guys don’t take your issue seriously when every orifice in your face is leaking fluid.
So say the same thing, in the morning, in a calm, collected manner. It’ll feel less like an attack to your dude — and he’ll be much more receptive.
If you think he’s cheating, he probably is.
Unless you are a crazy, over-anxious, paranoid, insecure loser, which none of the Lulu ladies are, then you are probably right if you think your boyfriend is cheating.
Here is a trick to find out: grab one of your hair rubber bands and then say aloud, in a perplexed voice, “this isn’t mine…” Then, watch how he responds.
That one’s fun even if they aren’t cheating. (My poor boyfriend…)
Don’t trick dudes into having babies.
I always thought this was a myth, but apparently it’s not. Stop that, girls! You are giving us all a bad name!
Be less gross.
I know, I know — but you really should shave your legs every day, burn your ugliest sweats (not the James Pearse ones!), and keep the ‘stache under control.
That way, you’ll have the confidence to dump your dude and find a new one any time you want — the key to every long and healthy relationship!
This is freaking weird, but guys really do go ape shit if you make them a sandwich. I’m not suggesting you become Donna Reed or anything, but this one is pretty low output for a great deal of praise — my goal in life.
Nagging is a weird and easy cycle to get into, but there is nothing that makes a guy want to show his love less than having a woman bark “show me your love!” every day. So be nice. He just might surprise you and be nice back!
In the beginning, do the opposite of whatever he says.
If he says, “I love your nails black,” paint them pink. If he says, “you look great in dresses,” break out the pants.
Guys can tell if you are shaping your look/life around them, and it creeps them out. Who can blame them?
No sex for a few dates.
Yeah, it’s annoying and stupid and vaguely offensive to have to pretend to be Miss Purity, but guys really like to think you are, so let ‘em.
Don’t flirt with other dudes to make him jealous.
It makes you look desperate, not desired.
Feel free to assume that everyone who doesn’t like you is asexual/commitment-phobic/married/intimidated by your success/scared of rejection/scared of love.
People don’t change — they change their clothes.
You broke up two years ago under ambiguous circumstances. Now you run into him at Coffee Bean and agree to a date. He was in a weird place then! He’s totally different now!
No. He’s not. You’re gonna break up with him one month from now for the same reason you did back then. So skip it. You’re welcome.
If he’s doing the fade-out, get out.
Guys never really break up with girls. They just fade slowly into the distance until they are so microscopic that you have to cut the cord.
If you feel that happening, say Sayonara, Sucka. You deserve better.
Let it be.
Sometimes you will do everything perfectly, and you’ll still lose him.
And sometimes you will screw everything up, and he’ll still love you.
So cut yourself some slack, and let the cards fall where they may. It’ll all be okay in the end.
A Lulu Lady