We are now beginning our descent into an extreme sarcasm zone. Make sure your seat back and tray table are in their full, upright position.
Mean girls. They walk among us. And yet you probably couldn’t point one out in a photo. They have no team uniform or distinctive facial markings. Still, you know one when you meet one — by that POWER they have: the power to make you feel about the size of a peanut. And about as attractive as a peanut, too.
Here’s how to become a mean girl in ten simple steps:
1. Look around the room
Whenever you’re introduced to someone new, look around the room like you are dying of boredom.
2. Say “what?”
If someone talks to you, say “what?”, even if you heard them perfectly. Then, as soon as they start to repeat themselves, break out your phone and start texting.
3. Be forgetful
Forget everyone’s names — even if you’ve met them fifty times.
4. Be super-nice… to someone else.
Once you’ve been super-rude to your target, be super-nice to someone else nearby. This makes the person you were talking to feel even worse.
Oh, she’s not a jerk to everyone. She just hates ME.
Always dance at parties, even if they are five-person dinners. Dance weirdly sexy, so all of the girls feel uncomfortable and all of the guys stare at you.
6. Talk shit.
Talk shit about everyone, all the time, always.
7. Have a crummy job.
If you can make someone feel like trash while you steam them a latte or get them a changing room, you’ve really made it.
8. Make plans.
If you feel a minion slipping away, ask her to hang out sometime! Tell her you totally miss her! XOXO!
Then, when the date comes, cancel. She didn’t actually think you were gonna hang out with her, did she? Eew.
Yeah, cigarettes are bad for you, but you don’t give a F&^*. You’re a mean girl.
10. Keep your distance.
Never let anybody get to know you. If people ask you personal questions, say your apartment is “great,” your parents are “great,” and your job is “great. Time to dance?”
What other qualities make up a mean girl? Tell us in the comments!
A Lulu Lady